When People Really Don’t Like You
On cultivating the courage to be hated.
Inside this edition: A love letter, tarot card of the week, recommendations + updates.
It’s not that people might not like you. It’s that people already don’t like you.
Having something to say or share, whether it’s silly or serious, is a terrifying state to exist in. You want to express what’s on your mind and heart, yet you falter. Because: what if people don’t like it? What if people don’t like me?
The truth is, some won’t and others currently don’t. And not only is there nothing you can do about it, but trying to means you actively hurt yourself.
There are two ways people try to control how other people see them. Two ways of masking, if you will; self-censorship and self-surveillance. Engaging in censorship is as simple as staying with this “what if” question and never moving past it, for fear of ridicule. Self-surveillance on the other hand, is actually sharing creative work, but it’s work that anticipates what your community or audience or strangers want from you. And therefore, it’s not true to you.
A couple of weeks ago, I made an IG reel rather spontaneously and without much thought. I know social media has neither the word count nor the format or context to allow for nuanced discussions of spirituality and universalism, but regardless, that’s what it was about. Next minute, it had gained 183K views and about 900 comments, at last count. Most of them negative.
I remember when I was diagnosed with “Aspergers”, the doctor noted that I was markedly unruffled by holding an opinion or behaviour that dissented from the mainstream and garnered me harsh judgement. And even seemed to take pride in it. (A hysteric to be sure.) But I don’t see it as pride, so much as a learned acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that in any context where conformity is valued, saying something (anything) subtle or interesting, will lead to social punishment of some kind.
I think this is a common autistic experience. To know that what you say—before you even say it—will see you judged as undesirable. An inconvenient thorn in the side of an otherwise consensus narrative.
The people commenting on my reel were mostly one of two groups: fundamentalist christians and Reddit-type atheists. Both made up of mostly white American men. Some tried to bait me into debates of “reason”, some said I looked trans (good?), some said I looked like a horse (period), and some neo-Nazis even suggested that I was secretly a devil-worshipping Jew seeking to undermine the West.
Out of all these groups of people, none were my people. None were coming to me in good faith. They don’t necessarily accept the same paradigm of values and shared morals as me. They were individuals who disliked me before they met me. Nothing I shared, or declined to share, will change their opinion of who they’ve decided I am. And none of them are in my life, or community.
Now imagine this scenario happened to your very best friend. The one you love and trust so much. Imagine they were really shaken up. “Do I really look like I could eat an apple in two bites?!” they ask you, half joking through tears. What would you tell them about their worth, their ideas or work, and the value of sharing it? Grab a pen and paper, or Notes app, and write it down—right now. ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩‧₊˚ੈ✩
This is your truth. When you’re scared to share an idea, a project, or a fun little piece of self-expression, lest people judge you, I want you to refer to this.
Instead of bullshitting yourself about it being perfectly safe to express yourself (it’s not) start actively—small scrappy step by small scrappy step—building your tolerance toward that which you can’t control.
That can look like:
★₊˚~ Practice expressing healthy disagreement with someone in your life.
★₊˚~ Remind yourself of your values and practice remain centred in them.
★₊˚~ Reaffirm your core belief in creative expression as a universal human right.
★₊˚~ Remind yourself that everyone is at various stages of emotional regulation.
★₊˚~ Post something publicly, even though you’re scared of the reception.
★₊˚~ When you receive negative feedback, notice that the sky doesn’t cave in!!
After a few days of letting people tire themselves out in my comment section, I decided to turn the comments off. Not because I had let these angry voices threaten my sense of self and “get to me”. Not even because I was hastily erasing all evidence of being harshly judged. But because they had fulfilled their role.
A troll in your comment section is a teacher. Just like everyone in your life who doesn’t like you can be a teacher. You can’t control what they think or say. You can’t control when they come. But when they do, you can use them. They are a training ground to build your own emotional resilience, to strengthen your creative voice, and to generate more loving kindness and compassion for the whole world. Including yourself. And including them. They hate it when you do that.
Tarot card of the week: The Empress
The “Holy Spirit” of the Torah and the Bible, in its original form, is grammatically feminine. Very similar to the conception of Shakti as the expressive attributes of the one supreme reality, the Holy Spirit is thought of as everywhere. It pervades in everything, as everything.
In the modern West, the word we often use to describe this blissful omniscience is: abundance. Goddess in action. Vibrating and emanating as and through the universe. No wonder we want to “know thyself”. No wonder we’re endlessly fascinated by our own image. Endlessly drawn to love. Because the nature of Awareness is to be aware of itself.
The Empress is pure abundance. She’s creativity compelled by love. Endlessly providing. Endlessly generative. Like an ideal cosmic mother, life doesn’t withhold blessings from the “undeserving”. Love never leaves you. Love just waits for you to remember her. She makes you your favourite dish, according to your exact dietary requirements, every single day. We may dismiss it, we may not like the taste, we may balk at the disgusting or terrifying medicine we’re cajoled into taking. But it’s all offered through unceasing love. And nothing we do or don’t do can change that.
Recommendations
♡ Hannah Einbinder’s standup special Everything Must Go is great stuff. Look it up.
♡ A chronically online friend chooses a “dinner” option. TikTok
♡ “How can you hate me when you don’t even know me?” NPR
♡ What dies when we die? YouTube
Updates
I still have space for one or two new clients in my private three-month creative coaching series, Come Alive. Sliding scale pricing available! My clients include successful working artists across film, music, writing, and illustration, as well as therapists, coaches, frontline workers, executives, witches, business owners, and people hungry to unlearn perfectionism and heal shame through self-expression. Learn more and book a complimentary “clarity call” on my website and we can talk through it together <3
In other news, I’ve decided to take down my on-demand meditation course, because I’d rather teach those practices live and I’d rather teach them to you all, here! With that in mind, I’m going to offer regular mindfulness practices and resources, as part of my paid Substack tier/s soon. I have so many ideas for new, regular Substack content across tarot, astrology, creativity, spiritual practices, and more—across written, audio, video, and live formats. Can you do me a favour though? Hit “reply” to this email if there’s something you really, really want to see from me. I promise I’ll try to fit it in!
Xo Jerico
How to work with me
☆THE DREAMER☆ is a free newsletter and online space for those dreaming at the intersection of creativity, therapeutic work, ecology, magic, and neurodiversity. If you enjoy The Dreamer, pass it on! And support my work in the following ways:
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The truth is, there are a few people I don’t like (for fair reasoning), and they couldn’t care less. They continue living their life. But why do I care so much when anyone doesn’t like me (for some silly or untrue reason). Why do I let it stop me?
I can relate to your words so deeply. I always feel like I’m saying the wrong thing somehow. Once I told someone I always feel like the back sheep, and they wisely asked if I’m actually the unicorn. Now reading this, I’m realizing that some people would probably find reasons to ostracize and condemn the unicorn. But those outside perspectives wouldn’t actually define the unicorn. And outside perspectives most certainly do not define me.
Thank you for this!
This came in an email just as I was standing up for myself to someone who purposely left my business uncredited in a video they made of an event I read tarot at. It was exactly what I have been learning and unlearning as a neurodivergent person. Thank you! 💛